New York City is famous for people flocking to as a birthplace for making their dreams come true. It is known for its challenges and hardships that must be suffered in order to make these dreams a reality. This past summer, I bought a one way ticket to New York in pursuit of this fantasy that millions before me and millions after me have and will continue to chase. Candace Bushnell, iconic writer of ‘Sex & The City’ often wrote about the city’s great contrasts and once described it as “having a glittery surface but a gritty underbelly.” I have yet to find a more perfect description of what living in this city truly entails.
NYC brings forth extreme struggle but is also the host of euphoric occasion. The question often left unasked though, is whether or not the pain is worth the gain? When asked this, most would instinctively answer that yes, any hardship endured to achieve said goal is absolutely worth anything and everything it took to reach it. I myself used to agree with this blanket statement. But, while living in New York, I became increasingly aware of my energy reserves, how quickly time passes, and my desire to life an enjoyable life, most of the time instead of just every so often. While New York did bring to life many of my long awaited dreams, I found myself regularly unhappy and concluded my stay with the opinion that, for me, New York City magic is not worth the New York City grind.
The following is a series of stories and thoughts on my two month New York stay. I’m not going to pretend it was all fun or all struggle. It was both and often I felt the two simultaneously. I had highs and lows, great days and bad. The one comfort I could always count on when the day was rough, was that at any moment, I knew it could pick up and twirl me into an experience I’d never forget. New York is not for everyone. It’s not always fun and moving there with a dream is definitely not a guaranteed ticket for success or happiness. But it is a guaranteed ticket for adventure. And mine are some I will never ever, as long as I live, forget.
My time in NYC did hold a lot of highlights and I enjoyed moments that would be impossible to replicate in any other city. These moments are why I can see how others would be willing to persevere and why so many people refuse to call any other place home. NYC will always contain an indestructible magic and I am thankful and blessed that I got to experience it. During my first week there, I got to see Sarah Jessica Parker preform on broadway, staring in a show about the plaza hotel. Could I have had a more iconic New York experience? I doubt it. Another memory I’ll forever cherish is riding the subway, packed like sardines with strangers all singing “new york, new york, that’s what dreams are made of…” proving instantly that no matter our differences, this city has the ability to bring us all together and create something beautiful within one fleeting instant. Never replicated in quite the same way, and never with the same people, New York is able to make every day a snowflake of exquisite uniqueness.
Perhaps the greatest hidden misery of NYC is its loneliness. A city of 8.4 million people but people that are always coming and going, met once and never seen again. And even if you have friends, it’s often a challenge to align schedules because the cities endless ray of options often results in cancelled plans when something better comes along. Of course there is always something to do, and if you are alone, NYC can be a great place to be. When I went, I was by myself but the amount of people I talked to everyday far outweighed the amount I did when I lived in Washington, where I had come from. I enjoyed it. Knowing I would never see these people again provided a freedom to truly be myself and I had some special conversations that helped me to see who I really am and who I want to become. But I did start to long for familiarity and constantly meeting new people often lead to having the same conversations over and over, endless small talk that rarely reached the depth that comes with time. The newness was always fun at the time but when it was over, you were left as empty as when you’d arrived, the thrill of an event or party gone by morning with only a memory, headache and or heartache to replace it.
During that period, I was deeply desiring a relationship and was happy to discover that meeting men proved no struggle whatsoever. Seeing them more than once though revealed impossible. I was a Cinderella, rushing to find my Prince Charming by the end of the night when all eligible bachelors would disappear, onto other places or simply swallowed by the city. I met many a man where I’d have to choose within hours of meeting to either speed up our romance faster than I tended to prefer, or to let him go completely, knowing that the choice was now or never. Do I bring him home even though I am tired and would ideally prefer a few dates before such an invitation, or do I leave him with nothing more more than a goodbye and a wondering of what could have been? I experimented with both options, each leaving me sad and ultimately unfulfilled.
The increasing amount of homelessness in NYC is no hidden secret, but I was shocked and rather disgusted at NYC’s more well off resident’s ability to ignore it. I was encouraged to “not look them in the eye,” and to “ignore them.” “Them” being the homeless. I can understand that being constantly exposed to a level of poverty beyond individual control may require implementing some coping mechanisms. But what I cannot understand is the aptitude to act as if these people aren’t even human. With America currently averaging 59% at risk of being homeless, these people aren’t as far from our own possible reality as we’d like to think. The scene that would baffle me the most was walking through a street littered with trash and people taking shelter in doorways, briefly interrupted by a chic restaurant, packed with people dressed up, drinking and eating merrily with friends. It was like a Hollywood set placed smack in the middle of the ghetto. The two atmospheres existing simultaneously in the same place made no sense. Yet it was happening and everyone was accepting it without comment.
On the forth of July, I had been in NYC four days and had yet to meet anyone to hangout with. It was late afternoon and I was trying to figure out where I could go to watch some fireworks. My host had told me that there would be a couple of boys arriving at some point during the week to stay in the other room. They walked in right at that moment and within 5 minutes we had plans to go out together and celebrate the evening. They instantly felt like old friends and we hit a bar before going to watch the fireworks. Not knowing where best to see them, we followed a crowd until we came to a park that had a perfect view of the city all lit up across the water. It was my first time seeing the skyline and it was stunning. Trying to get to Manhattan afterward proved to be a mission we weren’t prepared for. There was a line out of the subway station and all the way down the block meaning we weren’t getting anywhere any time soon. Around the same time, the sugar from the drink I’d had earlier started making my stomach cramp and for awhile I couldn’t focus on anything but the pain. I really wanted to find some weed so we decided to walk to a dispensary I’d found on google maps. It was 30 minutes away but we agreed it was a nice night for a walk and it would give time for the subways to clear out. It turns out that a lot of places marked in NYC as places to buy weed are just regular homes that people are selling delivery services from. We came to a boarded up apartment and I was clearly not about to get any weed. Not wanting to drag the boys around pointlessly anymore, we found a subway station and made our way to times square. An Irish bar in Hell’s Kitchen our final destination. Not very thrilled about the idea of drinking anymore, I tried to pump myself up and dance a bit. Joining the boys outside for a smoke, I again attempted to score some weed. A sketchy guy outside rolled me a pathetic joint for $20. It had no filter but did have tobacco which I hadn’t asked for and meant I couldn’t smoke due to nicotine making me sick. Pissed off, I went back inside and looked up to see two 6ft+ angles grinning at me. Their names were Phillip and Palmer and not only were they very cute but they offered me a weed vape almost instantly. From that moment on the night turned magical. As the bar got busier and the night got later, the dance floor got jumpin’ and I danced till my soul was soaring. I alternated between hanging out with my angel boys and my new air b&b friends and I remember smiling more that night than I had for a whole year. Everyone was dressed up (unlike Washington were pj’s were an acceptable date outfit) and the energy was electric. This was what I’d come here for. This moment was it. When we finally left at 4am, I was exhausted. We spent an hour drunk and high trying to figure out the subway system that was all still very new to the three of us. We eventually gave up, ordered the $50 uber and relished the skyline again instead of the rats that had been inhabiting the subway. The night hadn’t been perfect but the only way I can think to describe it is perfect.
One evening, I found myself angrily waiting in line for a party boat tour that would take me and my fellow partiers around the statue of liberty with both booze and music flowing freely. The event had sounded amazing when my friend and I booked it. It was feeling less amazing now I was having to actually attend, exhausted and currently alone. I’d dragged my already worn out body from bed to get ready and trek over to the island’s edge and called my friend which woke her up from a similarly exhausted nap. I rode my first of two subways without issue but was frustrated to find I had to walk 10 minutes in heels to the third one and even more enraged when I arrived to find that the entry was blocked off. Done in, I called an Uber to take me the rest of the way. My driver dropped me off and after searching for 30 minutes, I found the wait line. For an hour, I stood alone waiting to board the boat and waiting on my friend to arrive. After boarding, I found a DJ on the top deck and my mood quickly improved with the music pumping all around me. Feeling the pulse of my beloved EDM while seeing the Statue of Liberty with my new best friend, now arrived, was undoubtedly an experience to remember forever. But the true joy that I felt in that moment was so fleeting because it was impossible to ignore the hardships I had endured to get there and was currently experiencing alongside my awe. My feet were killing me, I was physically exhausted, I’d put another $100 on my credit card to be here and I still had a long night ahead of me that I was somewhat dreading. Was this short-lived moment of joy really worth all it had taken to get here?
I am all about fighting pesky grievances and ignoring the negatives as much as possible to focus on the good parts of life. But at the end of the day, we are only human and such spiritual enlightenment can only take us so far. Even Jesus got pissed off so it’s clear that in our humanity, we hold some emotions and physical grievances that sometimes, simply cannot be overcome with the mind. Sure we can soldier through but that brings up the question, how much do we really want to suffer when less suffering is also a viable option? The highs I experienced while in NYC were comparable to none other. At times, I felt on top of the world and it was a feeling I’d never experienced anywhere else. But the highs were always so fleeting and I found myself constantly chasing them and feeling slightly miserable in-between those sporadic occasions. Experiencing those highs always took so much effort, time, and energy to get to and by the end of my two month trip, I was completely worn down. NYC will definitely be a city I visit again, but it will never be somewhere I choose to live. I have been to many other city that cost less to find enjoyment in and required less suffering amidst the pleasure. I also know that when I reach a point in my life again, where I’m craving adventure, spontaneity, and excitement, NYC will be the exact place to go.
Comments